[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
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“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later