[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
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My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*