Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“When god closes a door, he opens a window”

Murder Hornets: Awesome!

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

Hey Fugeddaboutit

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm

I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.

Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask

felt cute might bury dad later idk

Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.

her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road

Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?