At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

You Might Also Like


BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!

ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!


My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.


Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.


Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book


Lettuce is like that friend you only hang out with in a group with other friends.

“Hang out? Who else is coming?Ham? Great. I’ll be there.”


People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole


I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.


[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.