@foodfacenow

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

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@Ideal_Victoria

*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving

@TheOnion

Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

@IamEveryDayPpl

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

@thepaulahunt

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

@MarfSalvador

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

@Cheeseboy22

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

@GloGurL

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

@iwearaonesie

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

@BrosConfessions

“As a student the most comforting words you’ll ever hear are ” I haven’t started either”