BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
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My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
I came in like a lion and went out like a kitten.
Lettuce is like that friend you only hang out with in a group with other friends.
“Hang out? Who else is coming?Ham? Great. I’ll be there.”
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.