@foodfacenow

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

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@AndrewNadeau0

BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!

ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!

@sara_ashlynn

My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.

@notalogin

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book

@sad_tree

Lettuce is like that friend you only hang out with in a group with other friends.

“Hang out? Who else is coming?Ham? Great. I’ll be there.”

@PaulSchissler

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

@MauriceBlitz

I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.