At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
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The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
How dude HOW?!
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.