@chrisdowning

At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.

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@BabetteJones

Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.

@doktorj

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

@causticbob

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

@JustMeTurtle

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

@LlamaInaTux

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

@philYama

If losing a debate, end a sentence with “see what I did there?”. As your opponent tries to figure it out, hit them with closest blunt object

@NakedHangover

I’m not saying delivering a baby is easy, but I’m pretty sure all I need is a box, some tape, and a stamp.

@_Tempo11

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

@DVSblast

OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.