Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
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Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
If losing a debate, end a sentence with “see what I did there?”. As your opponent tries to figure it out, hit them with closest blunt object
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
I’m not saying delivering a baby is easy, but I’m pretty sure all I need is a box, some tape, and a stamp.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.