[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
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Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Roosters are just edible alarm clocks
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
If a movie was named “Home Alone” in 2020, it would be a fantasy film.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!
Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi