Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”

me: bless me father for i have sinned

mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.

Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”

Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!

– Toddlers

me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit

what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.

buying dead houseplants to save time

It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.

Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.

Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.

My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.

Me:

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?

Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!

My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.