Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
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Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
missed connection: I sneezed near the cough medicine at 711, you dropped your wine and ran away screaming into the night
This guy in this waiting room is talking to me.
I’m gonna marry him so he’ll leave me alone.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
are you the girl who has to type everything said in court?
*looks back at prosecutor and answers his question as a dolphin*
I don’t get it when I see skinny people running….. aren’t you done???