Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@stephenjmolloy

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

@aparnapkin

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

@RobertManchild

started wrapping my pills in cheese

@ajax06

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

@AbleLikes

missed connection: I sneezed near the cough medicine at 711, you dropped your wine and ran away screaming into the night

@SaltyCorpse

This guy in this waiting room is talking to me.

I’m gonna marry him so he’ll leave me alone.

@KMoFlo_official

Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.

Me: *coughs*

Coworker:

Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.

Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.

Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

@notmythirdrodeo

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

@murrman5

are you the girl who has to type everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*looks back at prosecutor and answers his question as a dolphin*

@jackies_backie

I don’t get it when I see skinny people running….. aren’t you done???