[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
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I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in