[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
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i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.