@WorkingMom86

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler

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@BroIsMeeeee

Ladies call me the mitochondria because they kinda remember me from high school and i’m in a cell

@TheIronSherk

My girl has been eating a lot of Mexican fast food and gaining tons of weight lately, but I’ll never stop loving her

She’s my Taco Belle

@Cryptoterra

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

@bust2nut

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

@BrickCh4News

“A black man follows me when it’s sunny outside. When it’s cloudy, he goes home.”

“Brick, that’s your shadow.”

@jonnysun

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here

@2tickytacky

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

@Lisa_Laughs_

He shouldn’t have died so young, but he also shouldn’t have cut the grass at 7:30 am on a Sunday. (I’m writing my neighbors obituary)

@emmkaff

Scientists: Don’t freak out about Ebola.
Everyone: *Panic!*

Scientists: Freak out about climate change.
Everyone: LOL! Pass me some coal.