*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler

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My girl has been eating a lot of Mexican fast food and gaining tons of weight lately, but I’ll never stop loving her

She’s my Taco Belle


learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument


I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason


“A black man follows me when it’s sunny outside. When it’s cloudy, he goes home.”

“Brick, that’s your shadow.”


TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
ME: ya i got it. im good right here


“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.


He shouldn’t have died so young, but he also shouldn’t have cut the grass at 7:30 am on a Sunday. (I’m writing my neighbors obituary)


Scientists: Don’t freak out about Ebola.
Everyone: *Panic!*

Scientists: Freak out about climate change.
Everyone: LOL! Pass me some coal.