@squirrel74wkgn

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

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@KenJennings

Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don’t get how they made it to all those houses in one night.

@shannon2703

Hey guys wanna watch a girl feel herself up? Hide her cell phone.

@BGH70

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

@Daniel_Sloss

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

@Mardigroan

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

@BoogTweets

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

@HousewifeOfHell

Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.

@jackiembouvier

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

@LlamaInaTux

Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist

Doctor: That’s me

Me: but you’re an adult

Doctor: and a child psychologist

Me: how

@KKAlThani

If I had a boy I’d name him “Opportunity” & whenever he knocks on the door I’ll say “I bet that’s opportunity knocking” & laugh with my wife