Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don’t get how they made it to all those houses in one night.
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
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Hey guys wanna watch a girl feel herself up? Hide her cell phone.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
If I had a boy I’d name him “Opportunity” & whenever he knocks on the door I’ll say “I bet that’s opportunity knocking” & laugh with my wife