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[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog