*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
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[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
My neck, my back, my…
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.