We’ve burned through Netflix so tonight we’re opening a bottle wine and watching a fork in the microwave.
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
“welcome to the navy seals”
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I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.