@KeetPotato

[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”

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@IamJackBoot

We’ve burned through Netflix so tonight we’re opening a bottle wine and watching a fork in the microwave.

@Lhlodder

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

@ClichedOut

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]

@BurgerKing

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?

@meghaffer

I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.

@squirrel74wkgn

[floor creaks inside mansion]

Robber 1: shhhhhh…

Robber 2: …

[Fitbit buzzes]

Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL

@ghostkrogh

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up

@SadieSkyNinja

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.