[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
You Might Also Like
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Single and childfree like Jesus
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.