[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
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“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
I put the mess in domestic.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.