[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
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surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
the way this pissed me off… 😭
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.