Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
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Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
My parents are middle aged.
“Mine are to-”
[parents burst through bedroom door on horses]
“CHILD! DOST THOU DESIRE NOURISHMENT?”
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*