[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
You Might Also Like
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to