@KalvinMacleod

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

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@joshesjames

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

@isabelzawtun

Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more

@PopeAwesomeXIII

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

@behindyourback

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

@RodLacroix

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.

@SkinnerSteven

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

@blopt

My parents are middle aged.
“Mine are to-”
[parents burst through bedroom door on horses]
“CHILD! DOST THOU DESIRE NOURISHMENT?”

@noog

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

@ch000ch

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*