Professor x: What’s your power.
Me: I can rotate anything.
Professor +: Wow.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
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Damn girl, can I get all up in that? I’m sorry, where are my manners. MAY I get all up in that?
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I can also cook 😂
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
If my mom had just faked having a headache I wouldn’t be writing this bullshit on the internet right now
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.