[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

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Professor x: What’s your power.

Me: I can rotate anything.

Professor +: Wow.


Damn girl, can I get all up in that? I’m sorry, where are my manners. MAY I get all up in that?


Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job


When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.


[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?


*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?


My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.


If my mom had just faked having a headache I wouldn’t be writing this bullshit on the internet right now


I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.