[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
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Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Before & after 😅
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager