At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
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harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
*limbos away from your hug*
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit