@OhNoSheTwitnt

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

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@i_noted

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

@3sunzzz

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

@abhorrent_wife

Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.

@Mr_Kapowski

“Get your poop in a group” is a childish way of saying “get your shit together” but I prefer my take of “gather the pieces of your feces”

@GoldenSpirals

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

@GabbbarSingh

People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.

@AwkwardComedy

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings

@SteveKoehler22

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

@animaldrumss

You may have the last laugh now, but we’ll continue this discussion later when Im alone in my car pretending to be a stupider version of you