“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
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*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Life cycle of cat
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
channeling her this year
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.