“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

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They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.


Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.


[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack


Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.


[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!


I am a man with convictions.

Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.


Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.


I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.


Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away


*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*