At least he brought enough for everyone
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A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.