At least he brought enough for everyone
You Might Also Like
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.