At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
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I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.