At least my masseuse has my back.
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Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Hilarious if literal: arms race
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove