Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.

Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.

calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back

women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

Pee pressure > peer pressure

someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game

VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.