@junejuly12

At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.

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@JasonIsbell

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

@bea_ker

My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

@3sunzzz

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

~What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing

~That’s very common.

…about my boyfriend.

@nbadag

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

@madeleinedoux

“the pizza boy is here”
It’s time, I thought, cocking my shotgun. I was sending this half pizza half man abomination straight back to hell

@HollyHeals

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

@SardonicTart

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.