At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
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“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.