Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
You Might Also Like
Let’s vote the pool water off that celebrity diving show.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
“the pizza boy is here”
It’s time, I thought, cocking my shotgun. I was sending this half pizza half man abomination straight back to hell
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.