At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
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[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what