at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
You Might Also Like
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
This guy gets it.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?