Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
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Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I will not tolerate watching the neighbourhood kids bully my nephew.
So I keep the curtains closed.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ?. ?????’?. ???. ???.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Me: cubic zirconia?
Me: beaded plastic?
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.