@LoveNLunchmeat
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
@pleatedjeans
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
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@LoveNLunchmeat
@ShittingtonUK
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
@Douchekevin
I will not tolerate watching the neighbourhood kids bully my nephew.
So I keep the curtains closed.
@SJSchauer
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ?. ?????’?. ???. ???.
@DadandBuried
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
@cameronesposito
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
@MelvinofYork
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
@NewDadNotes
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
@baeblacksheep
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.