@pleatedjeans

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

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@LoveNLunchmeat

Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.

@ShittingtonUK

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

@Douchekevin

I will not tolerate watching the neighbourhood kids bully my nephew.

So I keep the curtains closed.

@SJSchauer

Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ?. ?????’?. ???. ???.

@DadandBuried

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

@cameronesposito

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

@MelvinofYork

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

@NewDadNotes

[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )

@baeblacksheep

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.