@DvuslyMarvelous

[At Mexican Restaurant]
Me:asks for food to be spicy hot
Waitress: how hot?
Me:
Waitress:my people hot or your people hot

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@DanMentos

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

@beefman138

“Wow, that’s great!”

~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.

@AnniemuMary

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!

Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.

4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.

@joejwest

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

@cbdoubleu

“Are you seeing anyone?”

Me: lately I’ve been seeing this squiggly floaty thing on my peripheral vision.

Floaty thing: We’re just friends.

@david8hughes

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

@Fuzzy_sue

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

@TheCatWhisprer

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.