Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
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The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Y’all ready for this
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”