“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
[At Mexican Restaurant]
Me:asks for food to be spicy hot
Waitress: how hot?
Waitress:my people hot or your people hot
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“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
“Are you seeing anyone?”
Me: lately I’ve been seeing this squiggly floaty thing on my peripheral vision.
Floaty thing: We’re just friends.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.