me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
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Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Mouse