[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
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Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head