At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
You Might Also Like
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
are they though??
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
This is my favorite one of these!
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*