@TomJonesN

At my age Friends with Insurance Benefits sounds just as appealing.

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@MomofTeen

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

@JoParkerBear

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

@envydatropic

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.

Me:

Her:

@PAT_E_ROCK

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

@TheFearBoners

When one door closes, another opens. Also, you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work. How do you know so little about doors?

@Dallani

Yes, 911?…
Yeah, this guy is wearing green-colored skinny jeans and he has a really hot girlfriend. So do I judge him…or her?

@Reverend_Scott

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.

@alicegoldfuss

ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait