At my age Friends with Insurance Benefits sounds just as appealing.

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Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.


It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.


I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.


Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.




The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.


When one door closes, another opens. Also, you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work. How do you know so little about doors?


Yes, 911?…
Yeah, this guy is wearing green-colored skinny jeans and he has a really hot girlfriend. So do I judge him…or her?


[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?




ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait