At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
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That’s no pocket rocket.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.