@RideSallyRide69

At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself

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@funnybrad

Air Bud seems like a great movie, until you realize some poor kid was cut from the team to make room on the roster for a golden retriever

@HomeWithPeanut

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]

@parsfarce

me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”

korean waiter: we do not serve this dish

@legreece

My dog doesn’t always bark like there’s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I’m home alone and in the shower.

@oldfriend99

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

@better_off_dad2

Me: ‘This may be the beer talking, but that is a VERY sharp outfit you have on.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

@thegoodgodabove

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?

@Awkward_Fun

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.

@Schmoodles

Me: When does karaoke start?

Him: Never.

Me: But I put my
“I ? Karaoke” t-shirt on.

Him: We noticed.

Me: This is the worst funeral ever.