At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself

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Air Bud seems like a great movie, until you realize some poor kid was cut from the team to make room on the roster for a golden retriever


*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]


me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”

korean waiter: we do not serve this dish


My dog doesn’t always bark like there’s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I’m home alone and in the shower.


My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains


Me: ‘This may be the beer talking, but that is a VERY sharp outfit you have on.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’


The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?


What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.


Me: When does karaoke start?

Him: Never.

Me: But I put my
“I ? Karaoke” t-shirt on.

Him: We noticed.

Me: This is the worst funeral ever.