At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
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Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
“our sushi is very fresh”
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.