At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
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[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.