[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
You Might Also Like
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.