[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
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Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*