Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
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[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
This is my brand.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
*serious situation*
My brain:
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree