@SnarkyMommy78

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

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@OutOfLeftField_

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

@thehedrk

One good thing about the coronavirus is that the hand soap I bought because it was the only kind left is the greatest soap I have ever used and now my hands are baby soft and smell like vanilla

@Nathan_NC17

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

@DustinSiskey

One time my 4yr old got so mad at my wife he yelled, “YOU’RE RABBIT FROM WINNIE THE POOH!”

Best.Insult.Ever.

@rolldiggity

Bully: “Hey, four eyes!”
Me: “Don’t you mean… fork eyes?”
[Turns around. Stabs bully with forks tied to glasses. Becomes class president.]

@RoobsC

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

@dafloydsta

[1st day working at appliance store]

CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?

ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay

@thelaurenobrien

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

@AmericanGent69

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.