Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
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One good thing about the coronavirus is that the hand soap I bought because it was the only kind left is the greatest soap I have ever used and now my hands are baby soft and smell like vanilla
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
One time my 4yr old got so mad at my wife he yelled, “YOU’RE RABBIT FROM WINNIE THE POOH!”
Bully: “Hey, four eyes!”
Me: “Don’t you mean… fork eyes?”
[Turns around. Stabs bully with forks tied to glasses. Becomes class president.]
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.