At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
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Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Important reminders
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist