[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
You Might Also Like
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Mothers just don鈥檛 eat their young like they used to.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it鈥檚 8am
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
When I track packages I ordered, I don鈥檛 use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…馃槀馃惍馃悜
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.