At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
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I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
same energy
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.