@AimeeHelene1

At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.

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@SJSchauer

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

@decentbirthday

Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either

@RobElliottComic

Mr. Buffalo: I caught my son making out with a girl

Me: SWEET!

Mr. Buffalo: And a boy

Me: So, I guess you could say he’s your…

Bi-son

@IamEveryDayPpl

It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…

@TheLOLYBible

“But Lot’s wife looked back as she was following behind him, and she turned into a pillar of salt, and Lot was like ‘wtf’ ” Genesis 19:26

@adamgreattweet

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment

@sofarrsogud

WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!

ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!

@ItsAndyRyan

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.