Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
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Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Mr. Buffalo: I caught my son making out with a girl
Mr. Buffalo: And a boy
Me: So, I guess you could say he’s your…
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
“But Lot’s wife looked back as she was following behind him, and she turned into a pillar of salt, and Lot was like ‘wtf’ ” Genesis 19:26
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.