At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
You Might Also Like
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
He died doing what he loved: being alive
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice