@Moldy_Jellybean

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

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@Karate_Horse

[robbery in progress in the store I’m at]
*quickly remembers training from karate school*
*bows to robber*
*is kicked in head so hard*

@DirtMcTurd

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

@

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@Sassafrantz

If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it’s one of those circus bears, you never know.

@jctwritesstuff

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

@timdonakowski

Do you sell bloodpants?

“Nope”

Shitpants?

“Nope”

Droolpants?

“Nope”

Sweatpants?

“Right this way…”

@hummusandpizza

at a work conference yesterday we were asked why people don’t ask to work from home more. we could send answers anonymously and they’d appear on a big screen. one answer read in 72pt font: “because I do not like my children”

@anna5skin

my mom and my little brother switched phones and my mom received this text and I am crying lmaooo