At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

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[robbery in progress in the store I’m at]
*quickly remembers training from karate school*
*bows to robber*
*is kicked in head so hard*


[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:7:”ecorno2″;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3602882142/60f748e59a955f882eacab306d08682d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”340405199678078977″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”79″;s:5:”tweet”;s:66:”I think after writing 50k tweets, they should give you a free cat.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}


If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it’s one of those circus bears, you never know.


Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas


Do you sell bloodpants?







“Right this way…”


at a work conference yesterday we were asked why people don’t ask to work from home more. we could send answers anonymously and they’d appear on a big screen. one answer read in 72pt font: “because I do not like my children”


my mom and my little brother switched phones and my mom received this text and I am crying lmaooo