At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
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Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.