I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
At my funeral, I want the organist to start playing “Pop Goes the Weasel” really slowly, until everyone is staring at the coffin in dread
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As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I need to get some bricks…
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so