@BMCarbaugh

At my funeral, I want the organist to start playing “Pop Goes the Weasel” really slowly, until everyone is staring at the coffin in dread

You Might Also Like

@simoncholland

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

@girl_a_whirl

As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.

@Bry_Mac

An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.

@suntzufuntzu

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

@TCsSideBitch

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

@TeaBeaPea

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

@KevinFarzad

Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will

@donni

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

@mrjohndarby

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so