2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
You Might Also Like
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Lmaoo 😂
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
japanese corn
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.